Early Days

Dear Catalina,

We have watched you learn new skills in the past few days.  It is so exciting!  You are babbling so much more now and quick to smile at mom and dad.  You've started to get interested in objects and will attempt to grab at toys when we dangle them in front of you.  The other day you reached out and touched my leg and just sat there staring at it and "petting" it.  It was so cute.  We bought a jogging stroller this weekend, but you don't seem to care too much for it.  You much prefer being held.  It is hard for me to remember how tiny you were when we brought you home because I see you every day, but everybody who comes over comments on how big you are now.  It seems that a life time has gone by since we brought you home, but it has only been a little over 11 weeks.  Crazy.

Coming home from the hospital with you was so scary.  Everybody says this, but it is really true, when they finally discharge you as a new mommy... you can't believe you are going to be trusted with your own baby!  It seems so insane that while we were in the hospital, they would check on us every 2 hours or so, but then they just send us home with you--for days with no help!  Dad and I were so happy to be out of there, but so nervous!  You looked so tiny in your car seat.  The house seemed so foreign when we got home even though we had only been gone for a few days.  Everything changed...we were parents now.  I was really sore still and was told that I should lie in bed most of the time.  Well, in case you didn't know this about me, that's a really difficult request to make of your mommy.  I tried though.  We quickly realized that our nursery set up had some flaws and your dad ran around town buying stuff to fix it.  Luckily some friends had arranged to bring us dinner that night.  We were so overwhelmed.  You slept most of the time, but you managed to squeeze in some awake time.  Just staring at nothing.  You weren't a big fan of getting your diaper changed and certainly didn't like having your clothes changed.  We didn't get a lot of sleep those first few nights.  One funny story was that we had purchased this diaper sprayer to clean out your poopy diapers.  In the middle of the night, dad decided to install the sprayer because you had done a number 2.  I was laying in bed and I just hear him cussing and fussing in the bathroom---he had the sprayer on too high and had managed to spray your poop all over everything including himself (mind you it was probably 2 am and he had likely had about 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours or so).  We both laughed so hard.

The next few days got easier.  I couldn't believe how many hours I could spend just staring at you.  You were so incredibly beautiful to me.  Such a little angel.  It was still hard for me to walk around, but we managed to get out to the park a little bit to get you some sunlight and fresh air.  You passed your first doctor's appointment with flying colors, but we were so scared to bring you in.  Every public building just looked like a germ factory to us!  I had Dad run through the waiting room at the doctor's office with you so you wouldn't be exposed to the other kids!  You didn't cry at the doctor's office either.  In fact, you almost never cried.  My friend Megan was so jealous.  She said she was going to call us up in the middle of the night and scream into the phone so we would know what other parents had to go through.  (You are starting to cry more now, by the way).

Changing you got a lot easier when your aunt Jennie sent us a Winnie the Pooh mobile.  Dad hung it above the changing table.  Man, you loved that thing.  I think it might have been the first thing that made you smile and the first thing that made you laugh.  Even weeks later, you still smile and laugh and coo at it.  I will post a video.

Ok my darling, I'm off to bed now.  You've been having a few rough nights lately so I think I will have to cuddle with you.  oh darn!

Love,
Mommy

Your birth

Dear Catalina,

I'm watching you toss and turn in your sleep right now on our video monitor.  Poor little thing.  Sometimes you are so uncomfortable trying to sleep.  At 10 weeks old, you're still pretty gassy.  We don't swaddle you anymore so sometimes you wake yourself up with your little hands.  We had a good weekend this weekend.  We took you up to one of our favorite climbing areas on Saturday.  Our friends Jason and Susan Henrie helped us out by taking turns holding you.  You were so good!  You even cooed at them.  On Sunday you made your first trek to the Grand Canyon.  I don't think you were very impressed as you slept most of the way through it.  I'm sure there are many more Grand Canyon trips in store for you!  So I think you were pretty worn out today.  Maybe it was too much excitement for you so young, but you seem to love being outside.  I hope that continues!

Ok so we still need to catch up by talking about your birth.  I'm going to copy the text of an email I sent out describing what those days were like (I will edit it a bit).  It was quite a ride--but I think many births are for the mommies. 

So the plan was to have you at home.  As we approached your due date of March 3rd, I was beginning to get anxious.  I wanted you out!  On the evening of March 2nd, your dad and I went climbing at the climbing gym.  I promised you a pony if you would come on your due date!  So on March 3rd when my water broke at 8 am we were hoping for a smooth ride ( he he).  Since I wasn't having contractions, dad and I went for a 4-mile hike to try to get things going.  In AZ, midwives only have 24 hours from the time your water breaks to get you into "active labor" (generally defined as at least 4cm dilated with hard contractions).  So when after the hike nothing was happening, we got a little concerned.  At 4, I drank castor oil.  This did end up stimulating contractions, but it also causes diarrhea so it was hard for me to tell which was which!  I was getting really worried.

Finally, contractions began at 9pm and reached 5 min apart at about 3:30 am.   We called our midwife, Sierra, and she came over and checked my cervix.  Bad news only 1 cm.  She left and came back at 7:30 am.  I felt my contractions were pretty hard, but at 24 hours post water breaking, I was still only 1.5 cm. 
Unfortunately, this meant we had to go to the hospital.  There was a danger of infection to you once the water breaks.  So we loaded up and went to the hospital at about 9:30 am on the fourth.  I was so scared that they were going to freak out at Sierra for letting us go so long.  I was also really concerned about you. 

At the hospital, I was given iv fluids and pitocin to stimulate contractions.  Unfortunately this basically tied me to the bed which made contractions unbearable.  I labored like that until about 5 pm.  Another exam showed that I was only 3 cm dilated. Yikes!  At that point I had been up for over 24 hours and my pitocin contractions were heinous.  I made the difficult decision to get an epidural. 

Boy what a difference that made!  I actually managed to sleep for a few hours!  That was huge.  After a nap, we checked again-- still only about 4 cm.  They upped my pitocin right about the time we discovered that the epidural was only fully working on my right side.  It was fine though--actually nice to have some feeling. 
Anyway this went on for a few more hours without much progress.  They gave me antibiotics because my temp was starting to rise and you seemed stressed.  Finally at about 11:30 pm they said that my cervix was fully dilated and your head was really low (thankfully you had also managed to turn from a sideways facing direction to a posterior facing one--by the way--thanks for that!). 

By this time, the epidural had mostly worn off-(or whatever happens to give you feeling again)-which was a good thing because I could feel the contractions and knew when to push.  Lucky for me, this was the one stage that went fast.  I started pushing at 11:45 and you were fully out by 12:22!  They let your daddy catch you and cut the cord. You were so beautiful.  When they first brought you out onto my chest, you looked like a bloody monster, but as soon as they wiped you clean, you were just as cute as can be.  You were 6lbs 15 oz and 19.5 inches long.  All the nurses agreed that you were extremely cute for a newborn.

Wow what a day (or couple of days).  I was so exhausted, but couldn't keep my eyes off of you.  The nurses kept telling me that you had a good chance of getting sick due to infection.  They came in every few hours to check on you.  At one point, I took a little nap and the nurses said your temperature was too low and took you away.  When I woke up I was freaking out.  Your dad told me where you were, but I didn't want them to take you to Neonatal Intensive Care (NICU).  I got up and went to the nurses station to find you.  There you were on the little warming pad--just as pretty as can be!

The hospital was exhausting because they woke us up so often.  We worked on getting you to eat well and you seemed to do pretty well.  Gosh you were so tiny.  You hardly cried at all.  Even when they stuck you with a needle to draw blood you didn't cry.  You were just so mellow.  Your father was so exhausted, he probably barely remembers the hospital!  I was lucky enough to have the adrenaline of giving birth, so I just stayed awake and held you.  It was so hard to believe that you were my daughter!

The nurses were pressing us to give you a name.  I was so stressed about it.  Your dad and I had a list of some names, but we couldn't decide what to call you.  Finally we narrowed our choices down to four and we each ranked them.  We agreed that the name with the lowest rank would be yours---that's how you became Catalina!  First we called you Catalina Amelia, but we decided that didn't quite sound right.  I think it was your grandmother that suggested Catalina Rose.  We both thought it sounded perfect for you.  I hope you like your name. 

Ok my darling.  I will probably take one more entry to write about the early days of having you--then we should be caught up to the present.  Its hard for me to imagine you reading this one day.  I hope I keep up with writing the entries.  Sometimes I'm not very good at that!

Love
Mom

Pregnancy

Dear Catalina,

Today is Mother's Day.  Our first mother's day together.  You slept in because we were out late at a wedding last night.  I'm still nervous when you sleep too long.  I sometimes shake you awake to make sure you're still alive!  You're so cute when you sleep.

Anyway, this entry is not about Mother's Day.  It's about how this journey began.  I wish I had thought to write more while I was pregnant.  I'm sure I can't express my feelings as well now, but I will try.

I guess I should really start with how your father and I met.  We met at the climbing gym in Flagstaff.  I had only lived here a few months and didn't know too many people.  Dad and I started talking at the gym one day and he invited me to go climbing with he and some friends.  He was so sweet (and nervous!)  He helped me change the battery out of my truck and we began to see a lot more of each other.  The rest, as they say, is history.  We bought a house after being together for a few years.  I'm not sure where we will be by the time you read this, so here is the location of the house we lived in when you were born.


View 3131 N Tindle Blvd in a larger map

Anyway, your father wanted to have a child.  I have to be honest, my darling, I didn't think I wanted to have children.  Not because I didn't like children, but ...well...  I was pretty selfish.  I thought that having a child will limit what I could do.  Don't worry, sweetheart, so far, I haven't regretted having you for one second!

So Daddy convinced me that we should have a child.  As you've no doubt noticed, I'm probably a little older than some of your friend's parents.  There are complications that come with waiting as long as I did to have children.  We were very worried at first that you wouldn't be healthy.  I found out that I was pregnant in June of 2010 and for the next few weeks I was pretty sick.  Food didn't taste very good to me.  I wasn't telling anyone about you yet, and that made everything a little harder.  When I was 13 weeks pregnant, we went to Scottsdale to have an ultrasound.  This would be our first look at you.  You can't imagine how crazy that is!  You were teeny tiny, but the doctor was already able to tell us that you were a little girl.  You looked like you were dancing while we were watching you!  It seemed like your little arms were really long and I started calling you our little chimpanzee.  Sorry about that.  The doctors said you looked healthy and we finally began to tell people about you.  Nana and Poppa were so happy and so was your Grandma.  I have to admit I was still a little nervous!

Dad and I took a vacation in September before I got too fat.  We had a great time driving across the country in our little Toyota pick up.  We went through Wyoming, Montana, Washington and Oregon.  We did a little rock climbing and saw Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks.  All the while we were trying to think of a name for you.  It was so hard for us to decide on a name before we met you.  It still seemed so strange that you were growing inside of me--yet I couldn't feel anything.

The first time I felt you kick me was around October 10th.  We had a friend who was giving a "sound shaman" presentation (I'll explain that to you some time if you like!).  We went along as his guests.  While I was laying down listening to the sounds, I felt a little flutter in my stomach.  It was so strange!  I knew it was you.  From that moment on, my little sweetling, you had me wrapped around your little finger!

That winter your dad and I caught some horrible bug.  We were so sick.  I had such a horrible cough, I didn't sleep for 8 days straight.  It was awful.  I was so worried I was hurting you somehow with all my coughing and wheezing--that was really a terrible time.

The next few months you got bigger and bigger and kicked me harder and harder.  Dad and I used to sit and watch as my stomach moved and poked out on its own (well not really on its own--it was you of course!)  The doctors were worried because my belly wasn't as large as they thought it should be.  They thought maybe you were too small.  So we had a few more ultrasounds.  You always had one hand covering your face during the ultrasounds so I could never get a very good look at you.  I was still so nervous that there would be something horribly wrong with you.  The doctors would just say that you were small, but that it seemed you were ok.  I would spend hours looking on the internet to try to figure out all the possible things that could be wrong with you!  It was excruciating to wait to meet you!

Your poor father worked so hard to remodel the house in preparation for your arrival.  We built a shed, turned our garage into an office, and turned the office into your room.  It was so much work!  Meanwhile you were growing and growing--and making me bigger and bigger!  We still managed to get to the climbing gym about once a week.  Everyone there was so excited to meet you.

But nobody was more excited than me and daddy.  Toward the end of my pregnancy I was so uncomfortable.  You were so big that laying down was uncomfortable.  I had horrible heartburn and once again, food didn't sound very good to me.  I was so looking forward to having you on the outside!

Ok, that's probably enough about the pregnancy.  I wish I could remember more of my thoughts, but now that you're here, its hard to remember what it was like then.

Now on to your birth--I can still remember most of that!

Love,
Mom

The beginning

Dear Catalina,

I'm known by several names:  to my family and pre-college graduation friends I'm Nickie, to my post-B.S. friends I'm Marguerite, to a select few I'm Rita, but to you I'm Mommy.

Mommy.  I never thought I would fit that description.  The word means so much more than I ever imagined.  For the last two months I've tried to wrap my head around this new position.  I've decided to start this blog so I can share some thoughts with you when you're older.  I hope this will help me successfully communicate my feelings as I watch you grow and change.  Call it your online baby book.  Daddy's here, too.  Hopefully we'll both post letters---but just so you know it was my idea :-)   Don't let him take credit!

Right now you're laying next to me in bed--in a fitful state just before waking.  You're two months old.  So far you have always had this period before you wake of stretching and grunting.  You're a very gassy baby! (you get that from your father I'm sure).  We had a late night last night, so I hope you sleep a little longer, but chances are your empty tummy will get you up.

You are so amazing.  I can't stop looking at you.  You just had your first shots yesterday.  You cried--I don't blame you.  That nurse really jabbed the needle into you.  You are growing well--chubby, but not excessively so.  You are smiling a lot more these days and making little noises.  You are so cute!

Ok precious, the next few blogs will be me re-tracing our steps together.  Please be patient, humor me darling.  You're only 2 months old, but it seems that so much has happened.  Daddy might chime in too!

Love you,
Mom