A new era

This morning I had tears in my eyes as we cuddled in bed.  You were having a "mommy morning" and held me tight.  It is times like this when I feel like I could just hug you tight enough to put you back in the womb--safe forever from outside influences.  I can live forever with your sweet caresses of my ears and my arms. You have this amazing ability to make me feel oh so special.  You have an equally uncanny ability to make me feel insignificant when you are having a "daddy day" I should mention, but today was mommy day thank goodness.

You had your first day of "school" (day care, really) today.  We had been preparing you for days--but I think I forgot to prepare myself.  So many unanswered questions..."Am I doing the right thing?"  "Is this really what's best for you?"  "Will you hold it against me later in life?" "Will we lose this amazing bond that we have?"

You were so excited and so brave.  I could tell there was some trepidation, but I think you knew you had to put on a good face for me.  I know you saw my tears, but chose to ignore them lest more tears come.  You put on your backpack and said you were ready to go to school.  Daddy said he was going to drive you and you replied, "You can't come with me!"  Well, I thought, I guess she's ready.

All day I worried and agonized about you.  I looked at the schedule that the day care facility posted online. "Now she is eating snack, now she is having a story..." Somehow it made me feel better to know that your day was divided into distinct "activities".  I wondered if you knew that we would come back for you or if you even gave it any thought.  I half expected to get a phone call asking that I come get you because you were in a hysterical fit asking for mommy and daddy, but it didn't come.  

Four fifteen couldn't come quick enough.  I raced over to the school.  You were sitting in a circle listening to a story.  A smile crossed your face as you saw me and you looked around for direction.  The teachers told you you could come and see me and you did and gave me a big hug.  I buried my face in your neck and just enjoyed the feel and smell of my little girl.  Then I asked if you wanted to hear the end of the story or come home with me--much to my surprise you said you wanted to hear the end of the story!  Yes, I guess you are ready.  You are ready to take on the world with your beautiful blond curls and your brilliant smile.  With your jokes and your laugh.  I can't keep you to myself forever.  Now I will have to learn to get my cuddles and my tender moments when I can--and learn to appreciate them all the time rather than finding them a burden at times.  You are only 2 1/2, but I feel like you are just moments away from adulthood.  Oh, sweetie where does the time go?

You are my "bestest" girl.

Love as always,

Mommy

2 1/2 going on 20

Dear Catalina,
So much has happened in the last few months.  I'm afraid I haven't been able to update this blog.  I apologize.  Lately Mommy has been working at night and has had a few tough deadlines.  Things have been rough to say the least!  Here are some of the important milestones...

At the end of August, I went away overnight without you for the first time since you were born.  Uggh it was so hard.  Actually the lead-up was harder than the actual event.  I think because I was out of phone contact (no service) it made it easier for me.  I was so worried you were going to think that I had abandoned you, though.  Of course you were fine.  You got to hang out with your Daddy and that is always good for you.  Luckily once I returned, I had several days off of work so we were able to spend some quality time together.  You are such a character now.  You make up words to songs and say nonsense words just to be funny.  You are much more active physically and we have a hard time keeping you off the furniture.  You have also been running around in circles.  Puddles--you have discovered puddles.  We've had a lot of rain this summer and you love to splash in the puddles.  It is so funny to watch you and remember that not too long ago if your shoes got wet you would scream and cry!  You even walk in the grass in your barefeet--something you would NEVER have done 6 months ago.  I can't say enough how amazing you are.

After I returned from being gone for 3 WHOLE nights, we went to the county fair.  You were so obsessed with riding the ferris wheel.  Last year when we went to the fair, you were disappointed because you were too small to ride even the kiddie rides.  I was really hoping this year would be different, but you are still shy about 2 inches.  We WERE able to ride the ferris wheel though.  You and I went to the fair in the morning--it was so rainy they weren't even running the ferris wheel.  I finally convinced you to come home with me so we could come back in the evening with Daddy.  You didn't believe me (One of your new phrases is , "no that's not true" when we try to tell you something).  You were soo excited.  I have no idea from where that thought to ride the ferris wheel came, but you were not to be deterred.  Stubborn and determined--those aren't bad qualities to have as an adult--although they are kind of problematic at 2.5 years old!

Next week, we have decided to start you in a preschool/daycare program.  I have such mixed feelings, my sweet.  On the one hand, I think it would be good for you to be around other kids.  You will likely be an only child for the rest of your life, so you may as well develop social skills as early as possible.  And I could surely use the extra time so that I don't have to work all night long.  On the other hand, I so love having Tuesdays and Thursdays with you.  I feel like I am giving you away so someone else can raise you!  Or that I am working hard--just to pay for daycare when I could be home with you.  Honey, I hope you know that I am really trying to do what is best for you--and all of us.  I just haven't been myself lately and I think part of it is that I don't have time to exercise anymore.  I feel like my mind and body are both falling to pieces.  I want you to grow up in an environment in which physical activity is the norm.  But it makes me cry to think of missing out on those little changes that will happen to your personality.  Those sweet little moments when all you want to do is cuddle with mama--gosh I hope we can still have those.  You are my little sweetie pie.  I love you to the moon.....and back.

We'll see how it goes on Monday.

Love you lots and lots and lots,
Mommy

"You are a little goose"

 

Dear Catalina,

Happy Fourth of July!  Today we went to a parade, had a barbeque, and went to fireworks--all the stuff a good little American girl should experience on the Fourth.  It seemed like you had a good day, but I think any day you get to spend the day with both mommy and daddy is a good day for you.  

The title of this post is a phrase we say a lot to you these days.  It's short for, "you are a silly goose" you really enjoy being a clown these days.  You like to tell jokes, make faces, and say things to make us smile.  Last night, in fact, I was scolding you for putting your feet on the table.  I had my serious mommy face on and you told me you weren't listening to me.  Then you kept saying random stuff to me while I was trying to tell you why you couldn't put your feet on the table.  I said, "Let me know when you're ready to talk to me"   You said, "I'm just asking you things to make you happy".  I actually had to break a smile at that point.  Of course, I knew you were just trying to distract me from being angry, but you being able to express that really made me laugh.  Every day it amazes me how smart you are.  You make so many connections that I didn't think you were capable of.  The other morning you said to Daddy, "The trees are moving.  Its windy outside.  The trees are making it windy."  Even though that logic is obviously wrong, the fact that you were evening using logic to understand your world surprised me--I'm not sure why it should, but it does.  Of course you get some things wrong.  Today you told Daddy you wanted him to do an "under hot dog" (an under dog is when someone pushes you in the swing and goes all the way under you--in case that phrase isn't used anymore) and you continue to call your little garden hoe a "back hoe" but its pretty close.  Your making connections, and that's what's important.  

Our world is changing, sweetie.  Lately I've been really feeling horrible about it.  We as humans have really screwed up our planet.  In some ways, I feel so guilty for bringing you into this mess--as much as I love you, it pains me to think of the things you might see in your life.  I really hope we, as people, get better about taking care of our environment--and one another.  When I see the wonder and innocence you have...I just wish I could some how bottle it up and keep it for you always.  The trees make the wind--isn't that a sweet thought?  

I love you to the moon and back, darling--and even beyond that.

Love 

Mommy.

"Good Job!"

Dear Gorgeous child of mine, Time is really flying by. I want so much just to hold on to these precious moments I have with you. Your cuteness factor is really at a maximum these days. Not a day goes by that I don't look at you and think to myself, "how can that gorgeous being have come from me?" Ok so what are you up to these days? Well, lately you have become more and more insistent on watching videos. I know it is our fault for falling into the trap of letting you watch some so we could get something done, but soon we will probably have to put an end to it. I can't really say what your favorites are--you have been watching a lot of curious george, but I wouldn't say it was hands-down a favorite. You have been playing more and more with your baby dolls (Delaney, Floatie, and Allie) and you are quite cute with them. You seem to enjoy the company of other children more and more. We went camping last weekend with our friends Erin and Juliet. (By the way, you were sooo excited about sleeping in the tent, but then cried to go home once it came time to actually sleep in it. We will have to make it a point to do more camping this summer). The morning after, I watched you and Juliet playing so nicely together. You are still not great at sharing, but there aren't too many 2-year olds that are. You are very empathetic though which is a sign of true genius :-). One thing you have taken to doing lately is to pat me on the leg and say "Good job, Mommy! I'm so proud of you!" It is really adorable. You will also thank us for things totally unprompted--like "thank you for dinner, Daddy" or "thank you for my pajamas, mommy" I love it. What a little doll you are--seriously. You've also gotten better at being left with other people. You don't even cry when we leave you with Derek anymore (although the same can't be said for leaving you with our friend Rachel--we had a bad experience this week). I think you are feeling more secure about us. Maybe one day you will actually decide to sleep by yourself--oh god, please let it be soon! I love you darling, but really? Tomorrow we are going to a local festival--going to be in a bike parade. For your costume I went to the thrift store and bought a large stuffed animal. We gutted the giraffe and now that's your costume. I wasn't sure how you would handle it because you really loved laying on top of the giraffe, but so far you seem excited. Finally, you are excited to wear costumes--I thought this day would never come! Next week we will be visited by Nana and Poppa and uncle Hugh. I am excited for them to see you and see how crazy fun you are. Well darling, I just wanted you to know that I am still here loving you. You are my "bestest girl" Love Mommy

Amazing you!

Hi Baby! Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Life has been a bit busy of late. I've been taking on a little extra work in the evening and you still won't go to sleep by yourself, so Daddy or I spend a good portion of the evening snuggling with you. It is inconvenient, but not unpleasant. You are quite the cuddler. So what is new? Well so much and nothing at all. You continue to amaze everyone with your mastery of speech. It gets better every day. Now you will sit and have conversations with yourself or pretending with your "babies". You tell jokes frequently and love to talk on the phone. Daddy and I have slipped and let you watch a few videos -- Dora the Explorer, Diego, and Dinosaur Train. You really enjoy watching them, but you aren't too much of a TV - aholic just yet. Your extreme preferences for either Daddy or I (depending on who watches you) continue. This, too, can be frustrating, but it seems that this is getting better as well. The one thing that worries me a bit is that you seem far more convinced that Mommy isn't going to come back than Daddy. In fact, you don't seem to be concerned about Daddy leaving at all. I guess I understand. Mommy is more driven to work hard than Daddy. I hope you don't feel insecure about my love for you though. We're a bit at a crossroads with working versus staying at home with you these days. I really feel that you could benefit from some time away from Mommy and Daddy with some children of your own age and we could certainly use the extra money, but at the same time, the thought of not having my days with you breaks my heart. I'm just not sure it is the best thing for you. I feel like we spend a lot of our day running errands or doing things that aren't in your best interest. Heck, sweetie. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want what is best for you. I always think that I am going to start structuring our days together better, but then it is 4:00 before I know it and time to start on dinner. I never realized how much time I wasted in my life until I had you! Oh to get those hours back! As time passes I can't help but feel like I'm not fully appreciating watching you grow and change. I can't even really thing of anything to write about here. But you really are amazing. Tonight you spelled your name all by yourself. Not that you really understand, but you repeated the letters I said to you. You have such an awesome memory. How can we cultivate that? I think I could learn a lot from you baby. I wish I were more like you. Ok sweetie, I love you more than anything. As always, Mommy

Mama's milk

Dear Catalina,
Well we have passed the two-year mark, and you have successfully (sort of) shed your diapers in favor of undies, learned to run, climb, and even ride your strider bike (just this week!) by yourself; but one thing we can't seem to dampen is your desire for "mommy milk".  Over the past year, I've set some deadlines in my head for when I will wean you, but most of those dates have come and gone.  I think deep down I really thought you would just lose interest.  But even after tasting chocolate, sweets, and even ice cream, it seems that still your favorite thing in the world is mommy milk.  Hard to believe that something you've eaten every day of your life could still cause you to get so excited -- you giggle and vibrate uncontrollably at night when i get ready to nurse you before bed.  How can I justify taking that away from you?  It was one of the first experiences you had in the outside world--one of the only things that has remained constant in your ever-changing world-I guess I can understand your desire to continue. 

But sweetie, I don't think I'm cut out to be one of those moms that nurses her 6-year old.  I think the time has come to start moving away from mommy milk.  Right now you only nurse right before bed and then some time early in the morning.  I can't decide if we should just go cold turkey or if I should start with one or the other.  Either way, its not going to be easy.  I just wanted to apologize now.  Know that I love you...always.
Mommy

Holy smokes you're two!

Dear Catalina,
Today is your second birthday.  I can't believe it!  It is so hard to remember what you were like when you were first born or even at your first birthday!  You are such a joy right now.  You crack me up on a daily basis.  I apologize that today wasn't exactly a great birthday.  We marked it with a visit to the doctor.  You weren't too happy with the prospect of going to the doctor.  I'm always so amazed that you even understand what the doctor is, but you certainly knew it wasn't somewhere you wanted to be.  You're always pretty shy, but you were absolutely terrified.  I won't win any best mother contests for putting you through that on your birthday.  I'm sorry.

So what are you all about these days?  Let's see...  you like to watch our facial expressions change so you say things like, "I don't love mommy" at which point I tell you I'm sad and make a pouty face.  Then you say, "I DO love mommy" and then I smile.  You then say, "Mommy's happy".  It is a game repeated almost daily.  You also sometimes tell me you don't love me when you are angry with me.  I have to tell you, its really heart breaking!

You've also been into giving things names (none of which stick).  Well I should say you've been into making me give things names.  You'll say, "what's the cow's name?"  I'll say"Cora" or something and you'll agree.  Two minutes later you'll ask me again and when I reply,"Cora" you'll say no and we'll have to go through a list of named until you find one you like.

For some reason you also lover to play with the,"mousie" which is just my hand (or daddy's) with our fingers pinched together.  You have a very active imagination!  Oh yes, lately you've also been pretending that you are a dog.  You had me throwing sticks for you at the park today which made some folks stare!

We just got back from a last minute trip to Hawaii.  You loved playing in the sand (like most kids do).  You weren't so big on the ocean, but you sure did love the sand.  It was a nice trip.  I think you're favorite part was just getting to hang out with both mommy and Daddy at the same time.  That and seafood, which you seem to love.  Strange because I can't stand it!  Speaking of eating, we had an unfortunate incident at a sushi restaurant in Hawaii.  Daddy and i were distracted by something and you decided to help yourself to the wasabi that was on the table.  You started screaming and i looked over and you must have stuck both hands in it and stuffed them in your mouth.  We frantically wiped it off your hands and out of your mouth.  The owner delivered some plain white rice to help.  You cried for a good while.  When things finally settled in your sinuses, you said, "Wasabi is spicy, not avocado."  We got a good laugh at that.  Now anytime you see something green and smashed, you ask if its wasabi.  Poor little thing!

Well baby, you're asleep on my stomach right now so i should probably stop waking you up by typing on the phone.  I love you darling.
Always and forever,
Your mommy

Pukey pants

Dear Catalina,
Well this week we've experienced your first stomach illness since you've been eating solid food.  Poor little girl.  The funny thing is that for the most part, you don't seem to be too terribly bothered by it.  Well you've been a bit lethargic and very clingy, but you've still been smiling and acting your same silly self. 

Let's see.  What have you been up to?  Talking a ton.  So many people comment on how verbal you are for your age and marvel at how clearly you speak.  We can't always understand what you say, but I would say 90% of the time it is pretty easy to decipher.  You have been obsessed with fire alarms and vents for months now.  Everywhere we go, you point out all the fire alarms and vents that you see.  You are a little bit confused between fire alarms and alarm clocks, but that seems to be changing.  You have developed quite an active imagination.  This morning you told me that there was a little boy living in the water heater closet.  I asked you what he was doing and you said he was just sitting in there.  You still love reading books and we spend a good part of the day doing so.  Unfortunately, you have also developed a taste for watching videos on you tube, but you're not an addict yet. 

You're potty training is progressing nicely.  Even though you've had diarrhea this week, you've still managed to make it to the potty without any accidents.  Maybe with this new distraction, you've forgotten to give us a hard time!

Mommy's been trying to get out and get some exercise lately.  Its always hard to leave you--especially because you seem to know exactly how to push my buttons often treating me like a stranger if I go away.  I think its important though for you to see Mommy getting out and doing something good for herself.  I often regret waiting so long to have you because you will never know a young mommy.  It keeps me awake some nights thinking about when you are a little older (and I will look much older).  I don't want you to get made fun of or teased for having an old mommy.  I know its probably silly and vain, but I know what its like.  Oh sweetie, I'm sorry if it causes you any grief in the future.  I feel the least I can do is get myself in good physical shape so at least you won't have an old and fat mommy! 

Right now though, the way you look at me sometimes and give me big hugs, makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth.  You are such a little angel (for the most part).

Well baby, I hear you crying so I'd better go.

I love you, darling
Mommy