My little scientist

Dear Catalina,
I can't believe how fast time is flying by!  It is almost Thanksgiving, and you are almost 9 months old!  Unbelievable.  You are changing so fast.  Every day you come up with a new "thing" that you do.  Its hard to keep up.  Unfortunately lately you've discovered pouting and crying to get your way.  Its actually pretty cute--but I'm sure that will wear off.  You are such a little scientist these days--experimenting with how to hold and touch things.  You still aren't crawling.  It doesn't really look like you will.  You like to walk around the house (with us holding your hands), but it doesn't really seem that walking will come anytime soon either.  That's ok.  You are working at your own pace and that's just fine.  You aren't sleeping well anymore and that is somewhat more troubling.  You just don't seem to understand that we can't always snuggle with you.  You want to be held while sleeping--whether napping or in the evening.  We've definitely created a monster!  You are finally starting to break mommy with sleep deprivation.  These past few days have been rough.  I can't resist you though--so every time you cry--I'm there with a boob.  Sometimes I wish you weren't so cute!

We went to Phoenix for a conference last week.  You and Daddy came along to keep me company.  You managed to charm all the conference-goers.  You also seemed to sleep much better in Phoenix.  Daddy and I are wondering if part of your problem is the elevation up here.  They say that it affects everyone's sleep.  I guess I never really thought about it before.  I just figured if you were born here, you would be better adapted.  Hopefully it was just a coincidence that you slept well at the hotel--maybe you liked the king-sized bed--I know I did!

We also went to the zoo.  You are a little young to enjoy the zoo, but you were surprisingly interested in some of the exhibits.  You seem to really like glass--especially pounding on it with your fists.  I'm pretty sure the animals didn't appreciate that, but we tried to contain your enthusiasm.

So here are some of your favorite things right now.

The "termite"--this is a toy that you picked out from Marshall's when you were just a few months old.  It made you laugh then and it still makes you laugh.  You press its giant head and it vibrates and plays a song.  We can often get you to stop crying in the car by pressing it over and over!

Hanging upside-down.  Your daddy will carry you all over the house hanging by your feet.  You just smile and laugh.  You never seem to get tired of it.

Spinning.  I am actually kind of worried that we are doing permanent damage to you.  You love sitting in the office chair (actually you stand and hold on to the back and we sit) and just spinning around really fast.  Your head starts to loll back and forth and your eyes are spinning, but you are laughing and smiling.  I get it--I used to love spinning too, but now it makes me want to vomit!  Sometimes we put you in your Jenny-Jump-Up and just spin you around.  It is really fun to watch you get so dizzy!

Banging on glass.  As I mentioned before, you really enjoy pounding on windows.  Its even better when you can see your reflection in the glass, but any glass will do really.

Dancing.  We have borrowed a "Pack-in-Play" from some friends.  You seem to enjoy holding yourself in a standing position and wiggling your bottom to music (we call it dancing).  You will also do this standing on a chair and holding on to the back.  You love it when I dance with you.

Trees.  Every time we go to the park, you insist on inspecting the bark of the pine trees.  Even at the zoo, you were more interested in the trees than the animals.  You love to feel different textures so we think that's what attracts you to the bark.  Unfortunately, you also seem to enjoy eating it when we're not watching!

Brushing your "teeth" (even though you don't have any).  I introduced the toothbrush to you a few weeks ago and you took to it right away.  You hold it in your mouth and move it around--it really looks like you're brushing your teeth.  You cry when I try to take it away!  I hope you enjoy it as much when you do have teeth!  You won't take a pacifier, but you sure love your toothbrush!

Ok darling, we'll add to the list as we see fit.  I can't wait to see what you decide to do tomorrow!

As always,
Love
Mommy

Halloween and a new era

Dear Catalina,
Well you successfully survived your first Halloween with your crazy mother.  You were a chipmunk.  Mommy spent weeks sewing your costume--and it turned out pretty good.  Nevermind that many people called you a raccoon or a squirrel.  I guess that will happen.  You were totally a chipmunk and you rocked your costume!  It seems that nothing we can do to you will ever make you any less cute. 
Daddy worked really hard to finish my tree costume in time (we were both supposed to be trees--but he failed to take my advice that costumes take longer than expected and only one got finished).  To his credit, he did a great job on it.  Everybody loved it.  Yeah another successful Halloween!  Its mommy's favorite holiday, so you should probably get used to a bit of craziness around that time of year!  I can't wait until you're old enough to share in the excitement.

We also went to Phoenix last week to visit with your Grandma Terry and your Aunt CJ and Uncle Zak and all of their children.  Its really too bad we only saw your cousins for a few hours because I think you could benefit from being around kids right now.  Unfortunately our timing this time was poor as you were up past your bedtime and not in a great mood for getting to know others.

Speaking of moods, you've recently decided that you are officially a "Daddy's little girl."  That's right, you've turned your back on the person that carried you in her belly for 9 months, took great pains to give birth to you, nursed you for the last eight months, and took care of you for 80% of the time for your young life!  I have to confess, it hurts my feelings to see you cry because you want Daddy to hold you instead of Mommy.  It started a few weeks ago I guess--but it really became noticeable maybe the week before last.  At first I thought it was because I went back to work part time and am gone for 9+ hours two days a week.  I think that does have something to do with it, but I also think its because your daddy indulges you more than mommy.  He is also generally less distracted when he is with you I think.  In my defense, what was distracting me was how we were going to keep paying bills and the mortgage with both of us out of work, but I was distracted nonetheless.  I knew eventually daddy would win you over with leniency, but I had no idea it would start so early.  I still love you and find you irresistible--and I can only hope this doesn't get any worse as time goes on.  I can't help but feel like I have somehow already lost my little girl.  I know that's silly.  If it sounds like I'm bitter--I guess I am a bit.  I tend to be very sensitive to how other's treat me, so this hasn't helped my ego much!  The problem is that now I feel like I need to be over-indulgent in order to "compete" for your love.  I am a firm believer in discipline (a belief your father does not share).  Not corporal punishment mind you--but that... well...that we don't always get what we want right when we want it.  I'm probably a little too far to one extreme on that one--and your dad on the other.  Hopefully you will end up with a balance.  Please know that I did not want to go back to work.  Originally when we knew you were coming, it was expected that I would work and your dad would take care of you, but when I lost my job before you were born--well that changed everything.  You are quite addictive!  Being home with you for those first few weeks really made me long to be mommy--to stay at home and take care of you and bake and make craft projects...and well, to be mommy.  Unfortunately, I also knew that bills needed to be paid--and I didn't want to raise you out on the street or move in with nana and poppa because we didn't have any money.  So I started to work.  I hope you understand now that it was out of love for you that I went back to work.  I still long to be mommy--but well, unfortunately you will have to share my time with other pursuits for now.

I love you so dearly and I apologize for anything I may have done to turn you away these last few weeks.  If I could take it back I surely would!

As always,
I love you
Mommy

Babysitters

Dear Catalina,
As I cradled you in my arms tonight to put you to bed, I had to marvel at how far we've come.  I know that there was a time when you were so small and helpless that I was scared your neck would break under the weight of your large head, but it seems like such a distant memory.  Don't get me wrong, I still worry that the weight of that big noggin of yours will cause you to tip forward or backward and crack your skull, but I've actually seen you tip over--and miracle of miracles--you come through just fine!  You gave me quite a scare today because I thought you had hit your head on the fireplace, but I think your reaction was more a result of my own rather than any pain you may have felt.  Its amazing how you will totally feed off the reaction of your daddy or I.  As you can see from the picture, you're sitting on your own quite well these days, but you still occasionally teeter over and smack your head on the ground.  I went to the trouble of putting a sheet of foam insulation down on the living room floor with the hopes that it would lessen the impact.  I'm not sure if it makes falling any less painful, but it at least helps me to control my reaction!

We reached another milestone yesterday.  It was Daddy's birthday and I wanted to take him to the movies --you probably know that he loves going to the movies.  Whereas I am just as content to watch a rented movie at home, your father just loves the excitement of the "big screen".  Anyway, although some parents see fit to bring their infants in to the movies with them, your father and I aren't really comfortable with that idea.  So our friend Maureen came over to babysit you.  This isn't the first time we've left you with someone--you stayed with Nana back in July for a few hours while we went to dinner with Uncle Chris and Aunt Meredyth--but its the first time you've stayed with a non-relative.  I had visions of you screaming and crying and searching for your mommy and daddy, but apparently you barely noticed we were missing (Thanks a lot, kiddo!  That's a small blow to my mommy ego!).  Seriously though, I'm so happy that you seem to adjust to new settings so well.  Everyone (even total strangers) keep telling us how great you are in public.  You're pretty great in private too, but you do sometimes have your moments of little fits!  I don't remember you ever having a fit in a public place--let's keep it that way shall we?

You're wonderful as usual.  Sometimes I just feel like squeezing you so tight and never letting you go (or get older).  I don't know, I guess all mommies think their kid is the cutest--but the difference is I KNOW you are!

Love you darling.
Mommy

Changes

Dear Catalina,
Wow, they told us that when you were in this first year, every day would be like you were a new baby; but we haven't really seen that until now.  Well, I should say it hasn't been as drastic--at least not for me.  You are really beginning to manipulate your world now (including your mommy and daddy).  It is so amazing to witness another human being just trying to figure out all the things that we take for granted as adults.  One of your new favorite things is having us switch the lights on and off.  Apparently this is both amazing and hilarious for you.  You have also been enjoying every day objects.  We laughed this weekend because we went to a music festival and brought all these toys, but the things you wanted to play with were our keys, Daddy's driver's license, and the umbrella!  What's the point in toys?

So if you ever want to know, your first music concert was a blue grass festival called pickin in the pines.  You saw Sam Bush as your first headlining act.  Not too impressive maybe for you, but it was a good time. 

For the most part, you are still a very mellow and happy baby.  You've been taking "swim lessons" (really just 30 minutes of play time in the pool), and the other day I dunked you in the water.  You didn't even cry.  You just sputtered a bit and had this cute look on your face--but no tears.  You still haven't quite gotten the hang of splashing, blowing bubbles, or kicking--and our lessons are almost over--but at least you haven't been crying!

Unfortunately, lately we have seen a less-than-mellow side of you.  For the last few days getting a diaper change has oftentimes sent you into a fit of crying.  It doesn't happy every single time, but it seems to be more than 50% of the time.  It is really disturbing because it is a cry that we don't really recognize.  Its not the "ouch" cry or the "I'm hungry" cry, or even the "I'm tired" cry.  This is something new--but it is definitely not a mellow thing.  I have no idea what has happened, but I hope it goes away soon.  It is so terrible to watch the tears streaming down your face and have no clue what the problem is.  Uggh.  I hope we get over this soon.  I so wish you could just tell me.

Oh one more new thing.  This was really funny.  So at the concert your dad and I were snapping our fingers to the music.  Well when we looked at your little hands, it seemed like perhaps you were trying to snap too!  You've done it since then --and its oh so cute.  Of course we'll never know if you're actually trying to snap, but I know your dad will insist that that's what you were doing--so I may as well play along!

Ok baby girl.  Time for mommy to try to get some sleep--you haven't let me get much of that lately!

Love you
Mommy

Half a year!

Dear Catalina,

Wow, how the time flies!  On Sunday you reached 6 months as an independent (well relatively speaking) human.  We celebrated by finally getting around to planting your placenta!  Ewww gross!  Daddy had the hospital save it for us and its been in the freezer all this time.  It is a tradition in his family to plant a tree for the kids.  Dad and I debated for a long while about what type of tree to plant, and we finally decided on a Blaze Maple.  First we cut down all the stupid Asian Elms that were cluttering our backyard (stumps in the picture).  We picked the tallest maple we could find with the hopes that it will be a decent sized tree before too long.  I hope you get a chance to see it grow over the years.  I would like to declare a tradition of taking your picture with the tree every 5th of September--we'll see if I remember.

In other news, the sleeping by yourself thing has been a partial failure.  During the first week it was your daddy that caved every evening.  He would go in to check on you and come out of your room with you in his arms.  Not that I minded--you are quite the cuddler as I've stated before and it is always great to wake up next to your smiling face.  The problem is that sleeping next to me makes you want to feed every two hours or so, which makes for a long night for mommy.  Your father's hope is that eventually, you won't wake up in the night and at that point you will sleep the entire night in your own bed.  I think he's dreaming!  For now, we'll just see how this plays out for all of us.

The other big event is that Mommy found part-time work.  I haven't worked since just before you were born (February 28 to be exact).  This has been both stressful and awesome.  It is wonderful to have had the time to spend with you during these last months, but financially its not really sustainable.  Man, it was really hard to leave you on that first day of work.  Consider, darling, that I have probably only been away from you for a maximum of 2 hours since you were born.  To be honest, I cried while I was driving to work that day.  You, however, had a good day with Daddy and hardly seemed to notice that I was gone!  Well except for the fact that your personal dairy bar was absent.  I pumped plenty of milk, but you don't seem fond of the new delivery methods.  Luckily you're eating some solid food now so you're not starving by the time I get home, but you do seem to feel you need to drink more frequently when I'm around--especially in the middle of the night!!!  Well I'm sure we'll get through this and you'll get over your insecurity about the milk supply.  At least I hope so.

Lately, you've seemed more cuddly even during waking hours.  You seem more ticklish and able to pick up on cues.  For example I've been counting to three and then thrusting you up in the air.  Now when I get to "two" you start to smile and get yourself ready.  I still can't get over how cute you are.  Speaking of, it is 11 pm and I can hear that you are not asleep (in the monitor).  You are just in there talking to yourself--making the little creaky door noises that you make.  It is so funny to listen to you.  I wonder what is going through your head??

Good night, honey.
Mommy

Cuteness

Dear Catalina,
Today you and I spent most of the day just laughing and cuddling one another.  You weren't interested in toys today, but instead just wanted to make noises and hang out with mommy (and daddy when he came home).  You seem to crave attention lately.  I always feel like we should be doing something to stimulate you, but it was clear today that all you needed was some quiet talking, lots of smiling, and many many kisses. 

It occurred to me to make a list of some of the things you do that I adore.  I hope I can remember them.

You giggle now.  Sometimes all I have to do is kiss your face, sometimes swing you around, and other times just saying "moose moose moose" will make you laugh.  I never get tired of that giggle.

You like to drink out of cups or water bottles.  After you take a swallow, you make this "awww" sound.  It is adorable.

Lately you've been doing this humming thing when you suck in your lips and make sounds.  It looks like you're eating peanut butter.

When I drum my fingers on your lips you stick your little chin out and open your mouth in a little smile. 

When we hold you up in the standing position, your hands come up to balance yourself.  You almost always smile when you are standing.  It is very cute.  Sometimes I let you stand up on your changing table and you grab the winnie the pooh mobile--either yelling or laughing. 

You always wake up in a good mood.  Sometimes you lay in bed between us and just yell up at the fan.  You love to be touching both your daddy and I.

We have this little swing in the kitchen with a mobile over it.  We hung this banana toy on the mobile and you like to grab it when it passes by screaming the hole time. 

I just can't describe all your facial expressions, but sometimes you just look into my eyes with a smile on your face for what seems like hours.  It makes my heart melt.  You are so charming. 

Well that does it for now, but I'll add as I think of things.

BTW, you turned over from your belly to your back by yourself tonight.  I was so happy to see that you still had it in you!

Our trip to the canyon to meet your Aunt Jennie and Uncle Paul

Love you darling,
Mommy

Uggh

Dear Catalina,
This will be a pretty short post.  Tonight was the first night I tried to put you to bed in your crib (in your room).  Prior to this, you have been sleeping in our room either with us in bed or in your little co-sleeper.  I love cuddling with you, but I've begun to think you might sleep better in your own bed.  I feel really sad though--like you are growing up too quickly.  I know that's silly, but well, its also partially true.  I felt like I was putting you in a cage when I put you in the crib.  So cold it seems.

We'll see which one of us caves first!
Love you
Mommy

The dreaded question

Dear Catalina,
Ever since we have been brave enough to take you outside of the safety of the walls of this house, there have been two responses that are uttered from the people to whom you are introduced 1) "Look at those cheeks!" and 2) "Does she sleep through the night?"  At first, I didn't think much of the question.  It is commonly known that babies keep their parents (mostly their mothers) up for the first few months of life.  It is a source of pride for parents to announce that their child is "already sleeping through the night" at a young age.  Although you rarely slept all the way through a night, for the first three months of your life you were a pretty easy baby to get along with during the night.  Even so, the question began to annoy me.  Why do people care so much about your sleeping habits?  For some reason it really bothered me when it came from people who had never had children.  It seemed to me that they were judging both of us by your sleep habits.  Some babies sleep and others have trouble.  There is no relationship between future behaviors or intelligence levels and the number of consecutive hours a child sleeps at 3 months old!  

Even worse, for the last few months you have not been sleeping well at all!  Lately you have decided that waking up every 2 hours to eat is perfectly acceptable.  For the past few days it seems that holding court with your daddy at 4 in the morning is also on the agenda.  Whereas in the first few months, I didn't feel sleep deprived, the last few weeks have been horrible.  So now I wince when I hear the dreaded question, "Is she sleeping through the night?"  I feel like I will have to explain myself and apologize for my shortcomings as a parent.  You are still in our bedroom, for example.  In fact, for most of the night, you share our bed.  Many would say the reason you don't sleep through the night is because you can smell that mommy (and therefore milk) is near.  Selfishly, however, I love having you to cuddle with us in the morning.  I'm not working right now, so part of me feels like I should just enjoy this time with you--even if it means fewer hours of sleep.  There is another part of me that worries that it will be hard to get you into your own bed when the time comes.  Aaarrrgh.  I so love waking up and looking over at your smiling little face--even if it is 4 in the morning!

Basically, I want to answer back, "What's the big deal??  Its none of your business whether she sleeps through the night!"

Love you darling,
Mommy

Selfishness

I guess I can use your mother's titling standard. It seems so stark but who am I to judge? In the spirit of these letters, I assume that this one will be out of context and confusing for some time. As the title suggests, however, this is a letter that is not necessarily solely for your benefit.

When I first started thinking about children, you were but a twinkle in my eye. And I believed several things: that my child will somehow an extension of myself, that my child is going to wander the world with the tools that I give her, that I have a legacy to leave the world (through a child), but most of all, that I will bring my daughter into this world for her sake. And it is about these misunderstandings that I would like to write.

First, you know by now that you are wholly your own person, with your own mind and choices. Many people forget this rather obvious fact about themselves. Especially when it comes to children... we imagine a blank slate upon which we will leave our mark. My mother certainly imagined such a thing, at first. But as I have discovered, with your birth, you are wholly your own person. Even at 5 months old you know what you want, what makes you laugh and what captures your attention.

As for the second, there is a way for you. But it might or might not involve my teachings. This was not obvious to me until I had time to think on it. You are going to grow up in a different world than mine. Studies say that you and your friends' brains are actually wired differently than mine. But it is the more common reality that is harder to swallow: You will choose your own way, one day.

As for my legacy... You will always be my daughter and I hope that I will always have cause to be proud of you. But you should own what you do. Good or bad, own it. Don't regret it. Learn and go on. I will always love you.

But last of all, you should know that I (and no parent) had no idea who you would be or what lie in front of you. So I could hardly have brought you, by choice, into this world. Not that I would have chosen otherwise. But, my point is that your mother and I brought you into the world to this world almost entirely for selfish reasons. We bore you through some combination of convoluted reasons that I don't entirely understand. But I do know this: We love you dearly.

And as we have watched you (and you have watched us), our love has only grown. Our world always has something new to offer you, right now. And you bring something new to us every day. We recently started letting you drink water from our cups. It's pretty cute -- gulp, gulp... PhAahhhh!

So that's my post. Read it carefully and you will know that I love you. The things that I imagined are not the best things: holding you while you fall asleep or seeing you smile at Mom or me. You are a wonder.

Under the weather

Dear Catalina,
For the past few days, you seem to be suffering from a bit of a cold.  You're very snotty and having trouble sleeping.  Poor little munchkin!  Luckily it doesn't seem to be too serious and its not really affecting your personality during the day--you are still as smiley and fun as usual.  Still it is awful to hear you suffer at night.  You seem to appreciate cuddling even more when you don't feel well!

I just can't get over how much you've changed in the last few months.  I can't even put my finger on all the things that are different, but I know for sure you are changing.  You've started sucking in your bottom lip in the last few days and making a humming sound.  You also seem to be very much interested in our dog, Rizo.  You laugh and smile at her all the time.  I'm so glad you seem to like animals.  I wouldn't know what to do if you didn't! 

I've been thinking lately about how foolish I feel to not have wanted to have children before having you.  You really are the most amazing thing I've ever done.

Just a short post tonight. 

Goodnight, sweetheart.
Mommy

A few steps forward, a few steps back

Dear Catalina,
I have noticed so many changes in you these last few days--actually since we returned from our trip.  You seem so much more jolly lately--it is really easy to make you smile.  You are "singing" more and more too, and when we swing you around you have a little chuckle that I've never heard before.  More and more, you want to stand or sit and look at the world around you.  It is so amazing to watch you change.  I bought you a little "jenny jump up".  You don't really jump yet, but you seem to enjoy spinning around and almost making yourself jump!

We took you swimming for the first time last Friday.  At first you were a little overwhelmed at the kids and the noise (to be honest so were Daddy and I).  I was nervous because the water felt a little cold.  I really didn't know how you would react.  You didn't cry and gradually you really seemed to enjoy gliding around in the water.  I think we are going to make this a fairly common outing.  You slept very well afterwards as well which was an added bonus!  That same day I took you for a jog in your jogging stroller for the first time.  You spent the entire time singing and shouting--so I guess you enjoyed that too!

Yesterday, Daddy figured out a way to get you to roll over again.  So once again you rolled over twice in a row and failed to repeat it today.  So frustrating, baby girl!  I'm not as anxious about your motor development as I once was, but I still do worry a little.  I can't help it.  Your 4-month visit to the doctor was last Thursday.  She said you looked great.  You were 15 lbs 8 oz which is about 70th percentile for your age.  Not bad!  You've slipped a little in height--once upon a time you were 75th percentile and now you are only 63rd--still better than your mom has ever been I'm sure!  Your noggin is 81st percentile which is great!

Today we officially started to give you some solid food.  We've been giving you tastes for a few weeks now, but today I actually pureed some fruit and Daddy "fed" it to you.  It was nectarines today.  You seem to enjoy the eating part.  Sometimes you would make this hilarious sour puss face, but you didn't refuse it afterwards, so I guess it wasn't so bad. It is going to be fun to experiment with different foods for you.  Tomorrow--avocado!

So those were the steps forward.....  Unfortunately, while we were traveling you apparently decided that you shouldn't have to sleep alone.  When you wake up and find yourself alone, you let out the saddest little wail I have ever heard!  It breaks my heart!  As soon as you have someone to cuddle, you quiet down and fall back to sleep, but until then you sob your little heart out.  Oh I can't tell you how well you can manipulate me at such a young age!  I was hoping to start working toward getting you to sleep in your own crib, but it seems you have other plans.  I must admit, I love cuddling with you, too.  I'm sure that doesn't help matters much!  I wish I could describe how awesome it feels to have you put your little arms around me and fall into a deep sleep.  Sometimes you wake up and look straight into my eyes for a little while--like you're looking into my soul.  Man, you are a masterpiece!

Well sweetie, Dad is trying to get me to watch a movie with him, so I better go.  I can't wait to see what new things you have in store for us in the next few days.

Love you,
Mommy

Traveling

Dear Catalina,
We are in the middle of your first long distance trip away from Flagstaff after your first plane ride.  We first went to San Francisco for daddy's cousin Elianna's wedding and then came to Indianapolis to see Nana and Poppa.  I was so nervous about flying with you.  You were great though.  You slept most of the time and everyone said how well-behaved you were.  I'm so proud.  Your first experience with airplanes wasn't too great as we missed our connection in Phoenix and got to San Fran about 5 hours later than we expected, but you didn't seem to notice.  In San Francisco you got to meet a lot of family on daddy's side.  We stayed with your Aunt Sarah and cousin Lucas in a hotel room.  Lucas is about 18 months old.  He was fascinated by you.  During your first meeting, however, he bent down to kiss you and you started crying.  We soon realized by the mark under your eye that he actually bit you!  Sorry honey, but we had a good laugh about that!  I don't think he meant to hurt you. 

We all went to the Academy of Sciences and you saw lots of fishies.  I was surprised how attentive you were to the fish--until you fell asleep.  Your great aunt Donna went with us.  She was very happy to get to meet you.  The next morning you met your great Aunt Jules and Uncle Dave and also your second cousin Abraham.  You slept through that too!  At the wedding you met your cousin Kylee, and your great Aunt AJ, and second cousins Alex and Daniel.  Some other folks that you are probably related to, but I'll let Daddy explain them to you!  You were the star of the party--so adorable.  You didn't let your mommy see the ceremony or stay very long at the reception, but that was ok.  I wore a silly long dress that kept getting stepped on, so I was happy to have an excuse to leave!

Once again you were great on the flights from San Fran to Indy.  You cried a little bit more, but we were able to distract you fairly quickly.  At one point daddy took you into the toilet to change your diaper.  He flushed the toilet and scared the dickens out of you!  Once in Indy your Nana and Poppa were so happy to see you.  We left to go see Auntie Marie Anne in South Bend the next day.  You met your cousins Julianne and Caitlin, too.  Aunt Marie Anne loved you and you smiled a lot with her.  We all came back to Nana and Poppa's house on Friday and then met Uncle Chris, Aunt Meredyth, Uncle Hugh and your cousins Genevieve and Josephine on Saturday.  Whew! so many relatives!  Genevieve and Josephine were so excited to meet you.  On Sunday night I left you for the first time with someone other than Daddy.  I knew you would be ok with Nana, but I was a bit worried you would cry a lot.  Apparently you did just fine.  This trip has messed up your eating and sleeping schedule and you have developed some bad habits.  You really like for one of us to be with you when you sleep.  A couple of nights we left you in the bed and you woke up with the saddest sounding cries.  They really break my heart!  You just want someone to hold you.  I can't resist--which probably isn't helping you learn to sleep alone! 

Tomorrow we leave to go home.  I am going to be happy to be home, but it will be weird to not be visiting with family.  I hope you don't get to bored with just daddy and I!  Ok sweetheart, this post wasn't terribly exciting, but I wanted to document the first time you met your cousins etc.  Please be good on the plane tomorrow!

Good night, my little one.
Mommy

Milestones

Dear Catalina,
For the past few weeks I've been perhaps a little overly-obsessed with your developmental milestones.  Most of the literature I've read says that by 3 months old, an infant should be holding her head steady.  You, my little darling are still like a little bobble-head toy.  You do hold it up some, but you last for only a few minutes before you start to look like someone slipped some vodka into your breast milk.  I've been worried.

Many pediatricians believe that the insistence on making babies sleep on their backs (to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome SIDS) has caused a delay in the motor skills of infants.  They recommend that parents do "tummy time" with their infants to ensure proper muscle development.  Well mommy sort of failed in that regard.  I started off well, but wasn't very persistent when you cried.  You looked so miserable with your face planted on the floor screaming and kicking.  I would soon "rescue" you and flip you over.  See, despite what you might think now--I am not heartless!  So I felt that I had failed you.

This weekend was a busy one for you.  We went on our first overnight climbing trip since your birth.  We traveled to Datil, New Mexico to the Enchanted Tower climbing area to meet our friends Colin and Elisa.  Except for hating the car ride, you behaved wonderfully.  You are such a mellow little munchkin!  We came back on Sunday night only to leave again Monday to camp at Blue Ridge Reservoir for one night.  That was kind of an extreme camping adventure as our tent was perched atop a boulder overlooking the water.  It was quite a beautiful view.  Once again, you amazed us with your tolerance for new things.  You took everything in stride.  Well everything, that is, except the water!  I tried to dip your toes in the water and you screamed in protest.  Not much for being cold yet I guess!

Anyway, so we came home and you took a crazy long nap in the late afternoon.  I let you sleep through your bedtime because I felt so bad that we had worn you out so.  Finally you woke up, ate a little, moved your bowels, and played a bit.  I decided it would be a good time to flip you over on your tummy.  Much to my amazement, not only did you push yourself up--but you flipped yourself over onto your back!  I was so excited!  Daddy came out and I told him what happened.  He has been much less concerned about your "slow" development than me but he came over to where we were.  I put you back on your tummy.... and you did it again!  I can't tell you how relieved I am.  Don't think this is going to get you out of tummy time, though!

I swear you said ga today and da a few days ago.  Learning to use the front of your mouth to make sounds is another milestone you should be hitting.  I can't tell you how aggravating it is to be a parent and to not know if something you're doing is limiting your child's development.  I just want to do everything right for you.  I know this is probably impossible, but let me tell you my little miss--I will certainly try!

Lots of love
Mommy

Regrets

Dear Catalina,

We took you on your first overnight camping trip last night.  Our friends Scott and Maureen have a party out in the woods every year for their anniversary.  We went out to help them celebrate and to see how we all did camping together.  You were a little crabby, but we all survived.  I awoke in the middle of the night and a bad scare because your face was so cold and you didn't move when I touched you.  I panicked and woke your dad up.  I was so scared!  You were find though... sleeping like a rock.  I'm not sure I'll ever get over the fear that you are going to die in your sleep.  I'm sorry that I wake you so often!

I've been thinking a lot lately about being an older parent.  Perhaps because I was asked if I was a grandmother last weekend when we were in Albuquerque---sheesh that was a blow to my ego!  I feel a little bad that you will never have a young and beautiful mother.  I really hope this doesn't bother you.  For most of my life I looked younger than my years--until I hit 30.  All of a sudden I aged.  I hope this doesn't happen to you.  I'm going to try very hard to encourage you to take care of your skin.  I never really did.  Who knows if it was that or genetics that caused the wrinkles, but it can't hurt for you to be more careful.  Hopefully by the time you're a teenager, getting a suntan won't be as important as it was when I was young.  The things we used to do--yikes!

Anyway sweetheart, I'm sorry I waited so long to have you, but I am so glad you are here in my life!

Here is one of my favorite pictures of us so far......

I love you, darling
Mommy

Meet the Daddy

Hello, little Pea Pod. This is my first time writing blog posts or organizing my thoughts -- for you or anyone, really -- ask your Mom. But it's about time. The impetus behind this letter is a meltdown that you had last night on our way back from visiting friends (Leslie, Andy, Rowen, Emo and Jac) in Albuquerque. It was the scariest event in my parenting life thus far and it got me thinking that I really should tell you about just how scary (and wonderful) raising you has been this last three months.

When your mother and I first started having conversations about giving birth to you -- as you will understand later, this took a lot of convincing on my part -- I had no idea what to expect from a tiny little cooing ball of baby cheeks. Honestly, I hadn't even imagined that much. You were just an abstract idea, more an opportunity to share in what many people consider one of life's most greatest joys. So you took me by surprise the first time that Mom left you alone with me and you started crying inconsolably. By surprise I mean utter fear, mortification and shock. It is really hard to describe the experience of holding you to my chest while you scream like I'm poking you with needles! I was confused, flustered and panicked for a good 30 minutes. This almost never happens to me in any other part of my life. Of course, that was not the last time that you did that to me.

But I got better. It only took one or two more times before I learned that you are a creature of simple needs at this age (less than 3 months). It's either sleep (bouncing, cuddling, walking, swaddling shhh-ing or some combination thereof being the required remedy), food (mostly Mom's job, occasionally a prepared bottle), or Mom. Easy, right?

Well not last night. Last night, while Mom was driving us home, I sat in the back seat with you (we have a 1997 Honda Accord that your grand parents gave us) and tried to keep you busy for the final 50 mile stretch of our journey. At first you were fine. Intermittent crying (mostly angry protest or bouts of tiredness) followed by some smiling. A little curiosity about the camera that I kept shoving in your face.

One quick aside... while this might be misconstrued as child abuse by some, you must know that you have the cutest little habit when you cry: you open your mouth, let out your little wail, and waggle your little tongue at us. You must understand that Mom and I grew up watching cartoons of babies doing the exact same thing. So to see our little girl exhibiting such comic behavior so earnestly was ... entertaining ... for us. Don't get me wrong: you are so much more adorable when you smile (and you do so often) and we would never make you cry on purpose. The aforementioned camera interest refers to my attempts to capture that little quirk of yours while in progress. Mom and I have been witness to so many of your cutest, sweetest moments and we have naught but our faulty (well, mine's faulty anyway) memories. You were a non-compliant child when it came to the camera. But I digress...

So we were about 20 miles from the house when you decided that you were too tired to sit in you car seat any longer. Thus, (I'm guessing here, of course) you started crying with an ever increasing abandon, intending release from your unendurable entrapment. We were okay for the first half -- nothing we hadn't seen or heard before -- but when you got to the real wailing, I could feel the panic starting to rise. I'm sure that if you ask Mom she will verify that I looked as scared as a deer right about then. I certainly remember looking up into the rear view mirror and seeing her look of concern (she had only my face to go on since you were in a rear facing car seat).

But golly can you belt it out when you want to. The normal tremolo went away, your voice cleared up and took on a staccato stutter as you really set in for a good protest cry. It's hard to say whether it was the car seat, gas pains, hunger pains or crankiness that drove you on, but you closed your eyes and really put your heart into it. I hope I never hear such a thing again. I tried rocking the seat from side to side (no effect), loud and offset shhh-ing (some effect brought on by what looked like the Moro reflex) and grabbing you hands. None of this settled you. You stopped responding to anything that I would do and that's when I really got scared.

It wasn't until we pulled into the driveway, got you into the house and out of your seat that you changed your tune from the heart-stopping chopped cries. Your mother and I were both in a daze by then. Our focus was wholly on making you comfortable and chastising ourselves for not pulling over sooner. Of course, we were also tired from the trip and emotionally drained so we weren't thinking clearly either.

Luckily for us (and you), everything is fine today. You were tired last night and slept like a little stone. To date, you never went to sleep so quickly. And today you seemed mostly back to your old self. Or new self since you seem to change on us weekly. You continue to cry in a clearer voice than before and I suspect that you have learned to listen to your own voice somewhat (or you're just too horse). But we'll see. For now, it's a relief that you would much rather spend your time smiling at us than bawling.

So I'll wrap this up. Welcome to my world, little one. You don't know yet what a blessing and joy you are to your mother and me. I have achieved a few great goals in my life -- things that have made me cry -- and every time I see you smile up at me and laugh or coo I tally one more. It always brings a tear to my eye. You are precious to me and Mom.

Early Days

Dear Catalina,

We have watched you learn new skills in the past few days.  It is so exciting!  You are babbling so much more now and quick to smile at mom and dad.  You've started to get interested in objects and will attempt to grab at toys when we dangle them in front of you.  The other day you reached out and touched my leg and just sat there staring at it and "petting" it.  It was so cute.  We bought a jogging stroller this weekend, but you don't seem to care too much for it.  You much prefer being held.  It is hard for me to remember how tiny you were when we brought you home because I see you every day, but everybody who comes over comments on how big you are now.  It seems that a life time has gone by since we brought you home, but it has only been a little over 11 weeks.  Crazy.

Coming home from the hospital with you was so scary.  Everybody says this, but it is really true, when they finally discharge you as a new mommy... you can't believe you are going to be trusted with your own baby!  It seems so insane that while we were in the hospital, they would check on us every 2 hours or so, but then they just send us home with you--for days with no help!  Dad and I were so happy to be out of there, but so nervous!  You looked so tiny in your car seat.  The house seemed so foreign when we got home even though we had only been gone for a few days.  Everything changed...we were parents now.  I was really sore still and was told that I should lie in bed most of the time.  Well, in case you didn't know this about me, that's a really difficult request to make of your mommy.  I tried though.  We quickly realized that our nursery set up had some flaws and your dad ran around town buying stuff to fix it.  Luckily some friends had arranged to bring us dinner that night.  We were so overwhelmed.  You slept most of the time, but you managed to squeeze in some awake time.  Just staring at nothing.  You weren't a big fan of getting your diaper changed and certainly didn't like having your clothes changed.  We didn't get a lot of sleep those first few nights.  One funny story was that we had purchased this diaper sprayer to clean out your poopy diapers.  In the middle of the night, dad decided to install the sprayer because you had done a number 2.  I was laying in bed and I just hear him cussing and fussing in the bathroom---he had the sprayer on too high and had managed to spray your poop all over everything including himself (mind you it was probably 2 am and he had likely had about 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours or so).  We both laughed so hard.

The next few days got easier.  I couldn't believe how many hours I could spend just staring at you.  You were so incredibly beautiful to me.  Such a little angel.  It was still hard for me to walk around, but we managed to get out to the park a little bit to get you some sunlight and fresh air.  You passed your first doctor's appointment with flying colors, but we were so scared to bring you in.  Every public building just looked like a germ factory to us!  I had Dad run through the waiting room at the doctor's office with you so you wouldn't be exposed to the other kids!  You didn't cry at the doctor's office either.  In fact, you almost never cried.  My friend Megan was so jealous.  She said she was going to call us up in the middle of the night and scream into the phone so we would know what other parents had to go through.  (You are starting to cry more now, by the way).

Changing you got a lot easier when your aunt Jennie sent us a Winnie the Pooh mobile.  Dad hung it above the changing table.  Man, you loved that thing.  I think it might have been the first thing that made you smile and the first thing that made you laugh.  Even weeks later, you still smile and laugh and coo at it.  I will post a video.

Ok my darling, I'm off to bed now.  You've been having a few rough nights lately so I think I will have to cuddle with you.  oh darn!

Love,
Mommy

Your birth

Dear Catalina,

I'm watching you toss and turn in your sleep right now on our video monitor.  Poor little thing.  Sometimes you are so uncomfortable trying to sleep.  At 10 weeks old, you're still pretty gassy.  We don't swaddle you anymore so sometimes you wake yourself up with your little hands.  We had a good weekend this weekend.  We took you up to one of our favorite climbing areas on Saturday.  Our friends Jason and Susan Henrie helped us out by taking turns holding you.  You were so good!  You even cooed at them.  On Sunday you made your first trek to the Grand Canyon.  I don't think you were very impressed as you slept most of the way through it.  I'm sure there are many more Grand Canyon trips in store for you!  So I think you were pretty worn out today.  Maybe it was too much excitement for you so young, but you seem to love being outside.  I hope that continues!

Ok so we still need to catch up by talking about your birth.  I'm going to copy the text of an email I sent out describing what those days were like (I will edit it a bit).  It was quite a ride--but I think many births are for the mommies. 

So the plan was to have you at home.  As we approached your due date of March 3rd, I was beginning to get anxious.  I wanted you out!  On the evening of March 2nd, your dad and I went climbing at the climbing gym.  I promised you a pony if you would come on your due date!  So on March 3rd when my water broke at 8 am we were hoping for a smooth ride ( he he).  Since I wasn't having contractions, dad and I went for a 4-mile hike to try to get things going.  In AZ, midwives only have 24 hours from the time your water breaks to get you into "active labor" (generally defined as at least 4cm dilated with hard contractions).  So when after the hike nothing was happening, we got a little concerned.  At 4, I drank castor oil.  This did end up stimulating contractions, but it also causes diarrhea so it was hard for me to tell which was which!  I was getting really worried.

Finally, contractions began at 9pm and reached 5 min apart at about 3:30 am.   We called our midwife, Sierra, and she came over and checked my cervix.  Bad news only 1 cm.  She left and came back at 7:30 am.  I felt my contractions were pretty hard, but at 24 hours post water breaking, I was still only 1.5 cm. 
Unfortunately, this meant we had to go to the hospital.  There was a danger of infection to you once the water breaks.  So we loaded up and went to the hospital at about 9:30 am on the fourth.  I was so scared that they were going to freak out at Sierra for letting us go so long.  I was also really concerned about you. 

At the hospital, I was given iv fluids and pitocin to stimulate contractions.  Unfortunately this basically tied me to the bed which made contractions unbearable.  I labored like that until about 5 pm.  Another exam showed that I was only 3 cm dilated. Yikes!  At that point I had been up for over 24 hours and my pitocin contractions were heinous.  I made the difficult decision to get an epidural. 

Boy what a difference that made!  I actually managed to sleep for a few hours!  That was huge.  After a nap, we checked again-- still only about 4 cm.  They upped my pitocin right about the time we discovered that the epidural was only fully working on my right side.  It was fine though--actually nice to have some feeling. 
Anyway this went on for a few more hours without much progress.  They gave me antibiotics because my temp was starting to rise and you seemed stressed.  Finally at about 11:30 pm they said that my cervix was fully dilated and your head was really low (thankfully you had also managed to turn from a sideways facing direction to a posterior facing one--by the way--thanks for that!). 

By this time, the epidural had mostly worn off-(or whatever happens to give you feeling again)-which was a good thing because I could feel the contractions and knew when to push.  Lucky for me, this was the one stage that went fast.  I started pushing at 11:45 and you were fully out by 12:22!  They let your daddy catch you and cut the cord. You were so beautiful.  When they first brought you out onto my chest, you looked like a bloody monster, but as soon as they wiped you clean, you were just as cute as can be.  You were 6lbs 15 oz and 19.5 inches long.  All the nurses agreed that you were extremely cute for a newborn.

Wow what a day (or couple of days).  I was so exhausted, but couldn't keep my eyes off of you.  The nurses kept telling me that you had a good chance of getting sick due to infection.  They came in every few hours to check on you.  At one point, I took a little nap and the nurses said your temperature was too low and took you away.  When I woke up I was freaking out.  Your dad told me where you were, but I didn't want them to take you to Neonatal Intensive Care (NICU).  I got up and went to the nurses station to find you.  There you were on the little warming pad--just as pretty as can be!

The hospital was exhausting because they woke us up so often.  We worked on getting you to eat well and you seemed to do pretty well.  Gosh you were so tiny.  You hardly cried at all.  Even when they stuck you with a needle to draw blood you didn't cry.  You were just so mellow.  Your father was so exhausted, he probably barely remembers the hospital!  I was lucky enough to have the adrenaline of giving birth, so I just stayed awake and held you.  It was so hard to believe that you were my daughter!

The nurses were pressing us to give you a name.  I was so stressed about it.  Your dad and I had a list of some names, but we couldn't decide what to call you.  Finally we narrowed our choices down to four and we each ranked them.  We agreed that the name with the lowest rank would be yours---that's how you became Catalina!  First we called you Catalina Amelia, but we decided that didn't quite sound right.  I think it was your grandmother that suggested Catalina Rose.  We both thought it sounded perfect for you.  I hope you like your name. 

Ok my darling.  I will probably take one more entry to write about the early days of having you--then we should be caught up to the present.  Its hard for me to imagine you reading this one day.  I hope I keep up with writing the entries.  Sometimes I'm not very good at that!

Love
Mom

Pregnancy

Dear Catalina,

Today is Mother's Day.  Our first mother's day together.  You slept in because we were out late at a wedding last night.  I'm still nervous when you sleep too long.  I sometimes shake you awake to make sure you're still alive!  You're so cute when you sleep.

Anyway, this entry is not about Mother's Day.  It's about how this journey began.  I wish I had thought to write more while I was pregnant.  I'm sure I can't express my feelings as well now, but I will try.

I guess I should really start with how your father and I met.  We met at the climbing gym in Flagstaff.  I had only lived here a few months and didn't know too many people.  Dad and I started talking at the gym one day and he invited me to go climbing with he and some friends.  He was so sweet (and nervous!)  He helped me change the battery out of my truck and we began to see a lot more of each other.  The rest, as they say, is history.  We bought a house after being together for a few years.  I'm not sure where we will be by the time you read this, so here is the location of the house we lived in when you were born.


View 3131 N Tindle Blvd in a larger map

Anyway, your father wanted to have a child.  I have to be honest, my darling, I didn't think I wanted to have children.  Not because I didn't like children, but ...well...  I was pretty selfish.  I thought that having a child will limit what I could do.  Don't worry, sweetheart, so far, I haven't regretted having you for one second!

So Daddy convinced me that we should have a child.  As you've no doubt noticed, I'm probably a little older than some of your friend's parents.  There are complications that come with waiting as long as I did to have children.  We were very worried at first that you wouldn't be healthy.  I found out that I was pregnant in June of 2010 and for the next few weeks I was pretty sick.  Food didn't taste very good to me.  I wasn't telling anyone about you yet, and that made everything a little harder.  When I was 13 weeks pregnant, we went to Scottsdale to have an ultrasound.  This would be our first look at you.  You can't imagine how crazy that is!  You were teeny tiny, but the doctor was already able to tell us that you were a little girl.  You looked like you were dancing while we were watching you!  It seemed like your little arms were really long and I started calling you our little chimpanzee.  Sorry about that.  The doctors said you looked healthy and we finally began to tell people about you.  Nana and Poppa were so happy and so was your Grandma.  I have to admit I was still a little nervous!

Dad and I took a vacation in September before I got too fat.  We had a great time driving across the country in our little Toyota pick up.  We went through Wyoming, Montana, Washington and Oregon.  We did a little rock climbing and saw Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks.  All the while we were trying to think of a name for you.  It was so hard for us to decide on a name before we met you.  It still seemed so strange that you were growing inside of me--yet I couldn't feel anything.

The first time I felt you kick me was around October 10th.  We had a friend who was giving a "sound shaman" presentation (I'll explain that to you some time if you like!).  We went along as his guests.  While I was laying down listening to the sounds, I felt a little flutter in my stomach.  It was so strange!  I knew it was you.  From that moment on, my little sweetling, you had me wrapped around your little finger!

That winter your dad and I caught some horrible bug.  We were so sick.  I had such a horrible cough, I didn't sleep for 8 days straight.  It was awful.  I was so worried I was hurting you somehow with all my coughing and wheezing--that was really a terrible time.

The next few months you got bigger and bigger and kicked me harder and harder.  Dad and I used to sit and watch as my stomach moved and poked out on its own (well not really on its own--it was you of course!)  The doctors were worried because my belly wasn't as large as they thought it should be.  They thought maybe you were too small.  So we had a few more ultrasounds.  You always had one hand covering your face during the ultrasounds so I could never get a very good look at you.  I was still so nervous that there would be something horribly wrong with you.  The doctors would just say that you were small, but that it seemed you were ok.  I would spend hours looking on the internet to try to figure out all the possible things that could be wrong with you!  It was excruciating to wait to meet you!

Your poor father worked so hard to remodel the house in preparation for your arrival.  We built a shed, turned our garage into an office, and turned the office into your room.  It was so much work!  Meanwhile you were growing and growing--and making me bigger and bigger!  We still managed to get to the climbing gym about once a week.  Everyone there was so excited to meet you.

But nobody was more excited than me and daddy.  Toward the end of my pregnancy I was so uncomfortable.  You were so big that laying down was uncomfortable.  I had horrible heartburn and once again, food didn't sound very good to me.  I was so looking forward to having you on the outside!

Ok, that's probably enough about the pregnancy.  I wish I could remember more of my thoughts, but now that you're here, its hard to remember what it was like then.

Now on to your birth--I can still remember most of that!

Love,
Mom

The beginning

Dear Catalina,

I'm known by several names:  to my family and pre-college graduation friends I'm Nickie, to my post-B.S. friends I'm Marguerite, to a select few I'm Rita, but to you I'm Mommy.

Mommy.  I never thought I would fit that description.  The word means so much more than I ever imagined.  For the last two months I've tried to wrap my head around this new position.  I've decided to start this blog so I can share some thoughts with you when you're older.  I hope this will help me successfully communicate my feelings as I watch you grow and change.  Call it your online baby book.  Daddy's here, too.  Hopefully we'll both post letters---but just so you know it was my idea :-)   Don't let him take credit!

Right now you're laying next to me in bed--in a fitful state just before waking.  You're two months old.  So far you have always had this period before you wake of stretching and grunting.  You're a very gassy baby! (you get that from your father I'm sure).  We had a late night last night, so I hope you sleep a little longer, but chances are your empty tummy will get you up.

You are so amazing.  I can't stop looking at you.  You just had your first shots yesterday.  You cried--I don't blame you.  That nurse really jabbed the needle into you.  You are growing well--chubby, but not excessively so.  You are smiling a lot more these days and making little noises.  You are so cute!

Ok precious, the next few blogs will be me re-tracing our steps together.  Please be patient, humor me darling.  You're only 2 months old, but it seems that so much has happened.  Daddy might chime in too!

Love you,
Mom