Selfishness

I guess I can use your mother's titling standard. It seems so stark but who am I to judge? In the spirit of these letters, I assume that this one will be out of context and confusing for some time. As the title suggests, however, this is a letter that is not necessarily solely for your benefit.

When I first started thinking about children, you were but a twinkle in my eye. And I believed several things: that my child will somehow an extension of myself, that my child is going to wander the world with the tools that I give her, that I have a legacy to leave the world (through a child), but most of all, that I will bring my daughter into this world for her sake. And it is about these misunderstandings that I would like to write.

First, you know by now that you are wholly your own person, with your own mind and choices. Many people forget this rather obvious fact about themselves. Especially when it comes to children... we imagine a blank slate upon which we will leave our mark. My mother certainly imagined such a thing, at first. But as I have discovered, with your birth, you are wholly your own person. Even at 5 months old you know what you want, what makes you laugh and what captures your attention.

As for the second, there is a way for you. But it might or might not involve my teachings. This was not obvious to me until I had time to think on it. You are going to grow up in a different world than mine. Studies say that you and your friends' brains are actually wired differently than mine. But it is the more common reality that is harder to swallow: You will choose your own way, one day.

As for my legacy... You will always be my daughter and I hope that I will always have cause to be proud of you. But you should own what you do. Good or bad, own it. Don't regret it. Learn and go on. I will always love you.

But last of all, you should know that I (and no parent) had no idea who you would be or what lie in front of you. So I could hardly have brought you, by choice, into this world. Not that I would have chosen otherwise. But, my point is that your mother and I brought you into the world to this world almost entirely for selfish reasons. We bore you through some combination of convoluted reasons that I don't entirely understand. But I do know this: We love you dearly.

And as we have watched you (and you have watched us), our love has only grown. Our world always has something new to offer you, right now. And you bring something new to us every day. We recently started letting you drink water from our cups. It's pretty cute -- gulp, gulp... PhAahhhh!

So that's my post. Read it carefully and you will know that I love you. The things that I imagined are not the best things: holding you while you fall asleep or seeing you smile at Mom or me. You are a wonder.