A new era

This morning I had tears in my eyes as we cuddled in bed.  You were having a "mommy morning" and held me tight.  It is times like this when I feel like I could just hug you tight enough to put you back in the womb--safe forever from outside influences.  I can live forever with your sweet caresses of my ears and my arms. You have this amazing ability to make me feel oh so special.  You have an equally uncanny ability to make me feel insignificant when you are having a "daddy day" I should mention, but today was mommy day thank goodness.

You had your first day of "school" (day care, really) today.  We had been preparing you for days--but I think I forgot to prepare myself.  So many unanswered questions..."Am I doing the right thing?"  "Is this really what's best for you?"  "Will you hold it against me later in life?" "Will we lose this amazing bond that we have?"

You were so excited and so brave.  I could tell there was some trepidation, but I think you knew you had to put on a good face for me.  I know you saw my tears, but chose to ignore them lest more tears come.  You put on your backpack and said you were ready to go to school.  Daddy said he was going to drive you and you replied, "You can't come with me!"  Well, I thought, I guess she's ready.

All day I worried and agonized about you.  I looked at the schedule that the day care facility posted online. "Now she is eating snack, now she is having a story..." Somehow it made me feel better to know that your day was divided into distinct "activities".  I wondered if you knew that we would come back for you or if you even gave it any thought.  I half expected to get a phone call asking that I come get you because you were in a hysterical fit asking for mommy and daddy, but it didn't come.  

Four fifteen couldn't come quick enough.  I raced over to the school.  You were sitting in a circle listening to a story.  A smile crossed your face as you saw me and you looked around for direction.  The teachers told you you could come and see me and you did and gave me a big hug.  I buried my face in your neck and just enjoyed the feel and smell of my little girl.  Then I asked if you wanted to hear the end of the story or come home with me--much to my surprise you said you wanted to hear the end of the story!  Yes, I guess you are ready.  You are ready to take on the world with your beautiful blond curls and your brilliant smile.  With your jokes and your laugh.  I can't keep you to myself forever.  Now I will have to learn to get my cuddles and my tender moments when I can--and learn to appreciate them all the time rather than finding them a burden at times.  You are only 2 1/2, but I feel like you are just moments away from adulthood.  Oh, sweetie where does the time go?

You are my "bestest" girl.

Love as always,

Mommy

2 1/2 going on 20

Dear Catalina,
So much has happened in the last few months.  I'm afraid I haven't been able to update this blog.  I apologize.  Lately Mommy has been working at night and has had a few tough deadlines.  Things have been rough to say the least!  Here are some of the important milestones...

At the end of August, I went away overnight without you for the first time since you were born.  Uggh it was so hard.  Actually the lead-up was harder than the actual event.  I think because I was out of phone contact (no service) it made it easier for me.  I was so worried you were going to think that I had abandoned you, though.  Of course you were fine.  You got to hang out with your Daddy and that is always good for you.  Luckily once I returned, I had several days off of work so we were able to spend some quality time together.  You are such a character now.  You make up words to songs and say nonsense words just to be funny.  You are much more active physically and we have a hard time keeping you off the furniture.  You have also been running around in circles.  Puddles--you have discovered puddles.  We've had a lot of rain this summer and you love to splash in the puddles.  It is so funny to watch you and remember that not too long ago if your shoes got wet you would scream and cry!  You even walk in the grass in your barefeet--something you would NEVER have done 6 months ago.  I can't say enough how amazing you are.

After I returned from being gone for 3 WHOLE nights, we went to the county fair.  You were so obsessed with riding the ferris wheel.  Last year when we went to the fair, you were disappointed because you were too small to ride even the kiddie rides.  I was really hoping this year would be different, but you are still shy about 2 inches.  We WERE able to ride the ferris wheel though.  You and I went to the fair in the morning--it was so rainy they weren't even running the ferris wheel.  I finally convinced you to come home with me so we could come back in the evening with Daddy.  You didn't believe me (One of your new phrases is , "no that's not true" when we try to tell you something).  You were soo excited.  I have no idea from where that thought to ride the ferris wheel came, but you were not to be deterred.  Stubborn and determined--those aren't bad qualities to have as an adult--although they are kind of problematic at 2.5 years old!

Next week, we have decided to start you in a preschool/daycare program.  I have such mixed feelings, my sweet.  On the one hand, I think it would be good for you to be around other kids.  You will likely be an only child for the rest of your life, so you may as well develop social skills as early as possible.  And I could surely use the extra time so that I don't have to work all night long.  On the other hand, I so love having Tuesdays and Thursdays with you.  I feel like I am giving you away so someone else can raise you!  Or that I am working hard--just to pay for daycare when I could be home with you.  Honey, I hope you know that I am really trying to do what is best for you--and all of us.  I just haven't been myself lately and I think part of it is that I don't have time to exercise anymore.  I feel like my mind and body are both falling to pieces.  I want you to grow up in an environment in which physical activity is the norm.  But it makes me cry to think of missing out on those little changes that will happen to your personality.  Those sweet little moments when all you want to do is cuddle with mama--gosh I hope we can still have those.  You are my little sweetie pie.  I love you to the moon.....and back.

We'll see how it goes on Monday.

Love you lots and lots and lots,
Mommy