Cuteness

Dear Catalina,
Today you and I spent most of the day just laughing and cuddling one another.  You weren't interested in toys today, but instead just wanted to make noises and hang out with mommy (and daddy when he came home).  You seem to crave attention lately.  I always feel like we should be doing something to stimulate you, but it was clear today that all you needed was some quiet talking, lots of smiling, and many many kisses. 

It occurred to me to make a list of some of the things you do that I adore.  I hope I can remember them.

You giggle now.  Sometimes all I have to do is kiss your face, sometimes swing you around, and other times just saying "moose moose moose" will make you laugh.  I never get tired of that giggle.

You like to drink out of cups or water bottles.  After you take a swallow, you make this "awww" sound.  It is adorable.

Lately you've been doing this humming thing when you suck in your lips and make sounds.  It looks like you're eating peanut butter.

When I drum my fingers on your lips you stick your little chin out and open your mouth in a little smile. 

When we hold you up in the standing position, your hands come up to balance yourself.  You almost always smile when you are standing.  It is very cute.  Sometimes I let you stand up on your changing table and you grab the winnie the pooh mobile--either yelling or laughing. 

You always wake up in a good mood.  Sometimes you lay in bed between us and just yell up at the fan.  You love to be touching both your daddy and I.

We have this little swing in the kitchen with a mobile over it.  We hung this banana toy on the mobile and you like to grab it when it passes by screaming the hole time. 

I just can't describe all your facial expressions, but sometimes you just look into my eyes with a smile on your face for what seems like hours.  It makes my heart melt.  You are so charming. 

Well that does it for now, but I'll add as I think of things.

BTW, you turned over from your belly to your back by yourself tonight.  I was so happy to see that you still had it in you!

Our trip to the canyon to meet your Aunt Jennie and Uncle Paul

Love you darling,
Mommy

Uggh

Dear Catalina,
This will be a pretty short post.  Tonight was the first night I tried to put you to bed in your crib (in your room).  Prior to this, you have been sleeping in our room either with us in bed or in your little co-sleeper.  I love cuddling with you, but I've begun to think you might sleep better in your own bed.  I feel really sad though--like you are growing up too quickly.  I know that's silly, but well, its also partially true.  I felt like I was putting you in a cage when I put you in the crib.  So cold it seems.

We'll see which one of us caves first!
Love you
Mommy

The dreaded question

Dear Catalina,
Ever since we have been brave enough to take you outside of the safety of the walls of this house, there have been two responses that are uttered from the people to whom you are introduced 1) "Look at those cheeks!" and 2) "Does she sleep through the night?"  At first, I didn't think much of the question.  It is commonly known that babies keep their parents (mostly their mothers) up for the first few months of life.  It is a source of pride for parents to announce that their child is "already sleeping through the night" at a young age.  Although you rarely slept all the way through a night, for the first three months of your life you were a pretty easy baby to get along with during the night.  Even so, the question began to annoy me.  Why do people care so much about your sleeping habits?  For some reason it really bothered me when it came from people who had never had children.  It seemed to me that they were judging both of us by your sleep habits.  Some babies sleep and others have trouble.  There is no relationship between future behaviors or intelligence levels and the number of consecutive hours a child sleeps at 3 months old!  

Even worse, for the last few months you have not been sleeping well at all!  Lately you have decided that waking up every 2 hours to eat is perfectly acceptable.  For the past few days it seems that holding court with your daddy at 4 in the morning is also on the agenda.  Whereas in the first few months, I didn't feel sleep deprived, the last few weeks have been horrible.  So now I wince when I hear the dreaded question, "Is she sleeping through the night?"  I feel like I will have to explain myself and apologize for my shortcomings as a parent.  You are still in our bedroom, for example.  In fact, for most of the night, you share our bed.  Many would say the reason you don't sleep through the night is because you can smell that mommy (and therefore milk) is near.  Selfishly, however, I love having you to cuddle with us in the morning.  I'm not working right now, so part of me feels like I should just enjoy this time with you--even if it means fewer hours of sleep.  There is another part of me that worries that it will be hard to get you into your own bed when the time comes.  Aaarrrgh.  I so love waking up and looking over at your smiling little face--even if it is 4 in the morning!

Basically, I want to answer back, "What's the big deal??  Its none of your business whether she sleeps through the night!"

Love you darling,
Mommy

Selfishness

I guess I can use your mother's titling standard. It seems so stark but who am I to judge? In the spirit of these letters, I assume that this one will be out of context and confusing for some time. As the title suggests, however, this is a letter that is not necessarily solely for your benefit.

When I first started thinking about children, you were but a twinkle in my eye. And I believed several things: that my child will somehow an extension of myself, that my child is going to wander the world with the tools that I give her, that I have a legacy to leave the world (through a child), but most of all, that I will bring my daughter into this world for her sake. And it is about these misunderstandings that I would like to write.

First, you know by now that you are wholly your own person, with your own mind and choices. Many people forget this rather obvious fact about themselves. Especially when it comes to children... we imagine a blank slate upon which we will leave our mark. My mother certainly imagined such a thing, at first. But as I have discovered, with your birth, you are wholly your own person. Even at 5 months old you know what you want, what makes you laugh and what captures your attention.

As for the second, there is a way for you. But it might or might not involve my teachings. This was not obvious to me until I had time to think on it. You are going to grow up in a different world than mine. Studies say that you and your friends' brains are actually wired differently than mine. But it is the more common reality that is harder to swallow: You will choose your own way, one day.

As for my legacy... You will always be my daughter and I hope that I will always have cause to be proud of you. But you should own what you do. Good or bad, own it. Don't regret it. Learn and go on. I will always love you.

But last of all, you should know that I (and no parent) had no idea who you would be or what lie in front of you. So I could hardly have brought you, by choice, into this world. Not that I would have chosen otherwise. But, my point is that your mother and I brought you into the world to this world almost entirely for selfish reasons. We bore you through some combination of convoluted reasons that I don't entirely understand. But I do know this: We love you dearly.

And as we have watched you (and you have watched us), our love has only grown. Our world always has something new to offer you, right now. And you bring something new to us every day. We recently started letting you drink water from our cups. It's pretty cute -- gulp, gulp... PhAahhhh!

So that's my post. Read it carefully and you will know that I love you. The things that I imagined are not the best things: holding you while you fall asleep or seeing you smile at Mom or me. You are a wonder.